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I thought my new tablet will be coming today (a weekend) but no. This is probably the last week that I will be this free. I'll be back to the hectic schedule an instructor/library assistant/club adviser will have since school is starting tomorrow for my students. The same way my class at the graduate school will start in a month or so.
My art life kinda trolling me, at the time I have some time to do some artwork my tablet kick the bucket and i needed to order a new one. I have one inked drawing that my students will probably be using into their light novel project.
As much as I say I'm an instructor i don't call myself a teacher. First I don't own a teaching license and I did not went to school to be a teacher, I went to school to be a programmer. I just ended up being an instructor, may be due to my "I want to learn what I can" mantra.
My students all say I'm weird, which I owned up. I'm pretty confident with my own skin. Other people say I'm shy but actually I'm just an introvert who think before speaking, I'm very confident in situation that I know, but assess things before performing action.
I as much as I enjoy being a programming instructor. What I enjoy the most is probably being a club adviser of the Lego Robotics Club. In this club every meeting day that we have I remind them that just like them I am a student as well. I go at their level, sit down there and never think I'm above them. We are there to create robots, think of solution, and write down ideas TOGETHER, Together I learn with them. I'm happy and a little bit sad when they tell me that I'm one of the few teacher* who gets them. I also feel that some do actually forget that they are not mere students but also Human.
I have a heads up in programming department and have a fairly good building skill (some students beat me up there, which I am very proud of). Trying new affordable techs and programs is not out of the question, we face them head on. Robotics make it easier for me to point out that all the things they learn in school can be used to do something, that art, math and science will not clash with each other but can be build together. From time to time we go on tangent and debate stuff such as politics, policy, anime, manga, video games, films, books, techs and etc...
In educational community they have what they call as traditional teacher and there is the facilitator, but I see myself as neither of the two. I admire the Socratic way of teaching- in kinda raise in a household that applied it (kinda albeit unknowingly and very loosely, debate is a stable in the house). I ask question, we debate, they show me the answer, I ask again, they ask things to me too, we share in a way that no one is right or wrong but in a way to find the answer. A very loose Socratic like classroom, opinions are respected and the mantra is "As long as it works it is right" . Getting an answer in a different way gains admiration. Members who can get things in an unorthodox way is highly valued. I teach them to ask and question the way how one thing works and how can they improve it. More than anything the club values creativity and critical thinking and me personally freedom. Everyday I can I remind them of the "No Box" Philosophy we implement.
Most of the time still I wonder if they ever learn from me. I am fine if they forgot how to put two beams together or how the hell does the sensor work or how we make that program run, the most important thing for me is for them to polish their creativity and critical thinking.
One year from now things might change. I'm no longer happy, I have come to love what I do but I am no longer happy. Slowly I see the system is hammering down on the things I value, while speaking they value it. The classroom I want to sit is not the classroom I am seeing we will going to have in the future. They say the system value outside the box thinking all I am seeing is a walled garden. Me being a nitpicker of system, getting frustrated at the inconsistencies, and puking at bureaucracy is not helping me.
I dread the day I need to disclose I'm leaving. I my heart aches whenever I think of it. My eyes tears in thinking I'm leaving them. I have been too attached to them, I guess. My anxiety stems from this things. Part of me says I need to see a professional and check if I'm ok. I have never feel this sad. For their sake and for my sake this will be my last year.
This anxieties and questions has give me alot of art ideas. As of now I jot them down on my general purpose journal. I'll try to draw and paint them. I realize only when I draw that my pain ease up. In the end I still runs to it when I need comfort.
May this year be fruitful to us. I did not realized that I wrote a very long journal entry. Why I'm being over-dramatic here.